How To Be Sensitive
They make us take online 'diversity courses' at work. The object is supposedly to increase 'global awareness,' ie., keep us from making jew jokes at work. We're required to select a certain amount of these courses, watch a slideshow presentation on the country involved, and then pass a test at the end. To be honest, I think I came out of these courses more racist than I went in.
And it's not hard to imagine why.
And it's not hard to imagine why.
I got done with it and I'm like "Well *I* learned Filipinos are shifty, slippery, and you should NEVER EVER GIVE THEM A CHOICE IN ANYTHING or allow them to say no; this goes for when you are raping them as well, figuratively or otherwise."
Just remember, Mannajeen: Some dumb old motherfucker somewhere probably NEEDS that class just to act civil to brown kids.
Except that same dumb motherfucker is TOO DUMB to absorb every stereotype on Earth, so the smart people who ARE civil have to sit through that crap and come out...TA-DA!! More racist. NICE GOING, GUYS.
In that vein, I would like to say that I am very sorry for assuming you are a fat hater. I thought you were because if I said the things you say, I'd hurt my own feelings. ^_^;
Likewise, I also think that if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll spend too much time being defensive and worrying about other people to enjoy yourself. It doesn't hurt my feelings when someone at Sears says they hate me because of my weight.
That said, I've never said I hated anyone because of their weight, so to get broadsided as if I had said that, to me, takes the situation out of my hands.
Here is my analysis of what happened.
One time at AWA, you pointed out a fat woman in a very revealing outfit, and make a snarky comment. You weren't talking about me because I look good in cosplay. To me, though, I could NEVER (past tense) "look good enough" in cosplay. I am too fat to closely resemble the characters, and I am the "type" who chooses characters based on a personality resemblance, i.e. who I am "inside," so I use cosplay as a way to outwardly resemble who I am inside. But I was a defensive cosplayer, because that's the ONLY venue in which I FELT aesthetic approval.
When someone takes my picture when I cosplay, they are saying to my heart: "I don't care that you look fat or that you're a girl. You worked very hard to look like Omi/Shuichi/whatever, and that shows you understand him more than that person over there who's not cosplaying him. Thank you for your hard work." It made me feel beautiful when all I ever felt was ugly, and "feeling beautiful"-- which for me means genuine aesthetic approval that also conveys my heart's desire-- is my number one goal in cosplay.
You don't care about emotional whatever! You get plenty of that by RPing, and it meets your needs. But I am very empathetic, and value that very highly in myself-- for example, it's the reason I can love evil and ugly things, all the while knowing they are truly ugly and evil.
When you poked fun, you were just pointing out that she didn't resemble the character. But as soon as you said that, my heart involuntarily ached and I didn't know why. What my HEART heard was: "Don't you dare cosplay if you ever get that fat. Only beautiful people deserve to enjoy cosplay."
What a horrible misunderstanding! Because I didn't know I was beautiful, I thought you were "overlooking" my fat! But you liked me enough to overlook my fat, even though you've never been fat, because you know it's illogical to hate someone based on their appearance. But my fat isn't just how I look. It has also helped me to really understand what it's like to feel ugly inside AND out. I know am able to love all bodies, even though I hate when anyone disrespects fat bodies.
Unfortunately, I already hated myself based on my appearance, and was trying very very hard not to. To my little baby heart, your harmless joke (that made you so happy that you wanted to share it with me) was a sharp and violent reminder of my own physical inadequacy in this mono-aesthetic society.
Bec logic: "It's not my fault I'm fat. I've tried to change it so people won't think I'm lazy, but it only makes me fatter and then the doctors call me a liar. If they had drawn Omi fat, I could cosplay him better than anyone else in the world! I'm not Omi because I'm fat. JUST because I'm fat!! That's the only thing that stands between me and people realizing how much I'm really like Omi! They would take my picture and I would feel so good... If I weren't fat, people would love me more."
Mannajeen: *pointing at a fatter woman, not even realizing Bec is fat* "Hey fattie, stop making nerds look bad!"
Bec's heart: "I KNOW I DO, STOP REMINDING ME! I'm trying my best, but my best isn't good enough...I thought you loved me, but how can you love me if you don't love my fat?" *crushing pain*
I hope you'll forgive me for misunderstanding you so deeply. If anything I've written feels inaccurate to you, please let me know.
...I miss you, can you tell?